The signs that your parents need more help sneak up on you slowly. Perhaps they can’t keep up with home maintenance anymore, so you spend half your visits replacing light bulbs and resetting the WiFi. Or you have to call every day to ask, “Did you take your medication yet, Dad?” Waiting until a health crisis occurs can make the transition to more support much more stressful. As an adult child, noticing these changes in your aging parent can be both difficult and emotional.
Moving your parents to a senior living community can seem like the logical next step. They can say goodbye to pesky chores and get the support they need without relying so much on family (goodbye, late-night emergency calls). Plus, many communities have jam-packed social calendars with everything from book clubs to museum trips. It’s a win-win.
Of course, older adults don’t always see assisted living from the same perspective. Many seniors feel reluctant to move, and this is a common feeling among families facing these decisions. Most seniors prefer to remain in their own homes for as long as possible, valuing the comfort and independence that come with familiar surroundings. They may balk at the idea of moving out of their home — “I can’t sell everything!” — or feel anxious about a big transition. Outdated visions of sterile, boring nursing homes may also give them pause. For many, the fear of losing independence is a significant concern that can make these conversations even more challenging.
While these discussions can sometimes get emotionally charged, they don’t have to end in arguments. With a bit of empathy, you can address these concerns and find common ground. Here’s how to talk to your parents about assisted living in a positive, supportive way.
Understanding the Emotional Impact of the Conversation
This is just the first conversation in what may be an ongoing process, so there’s no need to have all the answers right away.
Just the thought of talking about assisted living options can make you sweat. You may worry that your parents will get defensive or feel hurt that you’ve even mentioned it.
Put yourself in their shoes. They’ve probably lived in the same home for a while, with everything arranged just how they like it. The thought of packing everything up — or worse, downsizing — and moving somewhere new can feel downright terrifying.
Your parents may also worry that their lifestyle will change drastically in an assisted living community. They might picture themselves watching soap operas all day, bored out of their minds. Anxieties about feeling lonely or losing connection with family are also normal. Remember, the goal is to prioritize their overall well-being and ensure they feel supported throughout the process.
As their child, you’ve got plenty of complex emotions, too. You may feel frustrated every time your parents expect you to pause your own life to drive them to appointments or call a plumber. Guilt is another common emotion, especially if you live far away or are busy caring for your own children.
The last thing you want is an intense conversation that leaves everyone fuming or blinking back tears. Focus on active listening instead of debating with your parents. Show respect for their feelings and preferences by truly listening and acknowledging their concerns. If they react negatively to the idea of moving to assisted living, ask them about their fears and concerns.
Talk through these feelings together rather than immediately dismissing them. If they’re nervous about meeting new people, don’t say, “Pssh, of course you’ll make friends, Mom! Everyone loves you!” That’s a totally valid fear. Talk about how you felt the same way when starting a new job, or suggest finding a community with art classes and fitness clubs.
Empathy will get you further than wheedling or pressuring. Approach the topic as a compassionate conversation, aiming to understand and support your parents. You want your elderly parents to feel good about their options, not like you’re bullying them into senior care.
These are difficult conversations, but with empathy and patience, you can help your parents feel heard and supported.
Preparing for the Discussion
Once you’re emotionally ready, pick a relaxed setting. A hectic restaurant or stressful holiday gathering with grandchildren bickering in the background? Probably not the right place. Avoid bringing up the topic during large family gatherings, as these environments can make sensitive conversations more difficult. Choose a private and quiet location where you’ll have plenty of time to chat undisturbed.
Bring information about local senior living options. You don’t need an enormous binder or an itinerary of already-scheduled tours — that’s too intense. Be mindful of information overload; sharing too much research or too many statistics at once can overwhelm your parents and make the conversation less effective. But a few brochures or printed webpages can help you gently pique your parents’ interest.
Focus on amenities that they’ll find appealing. An avid book reader may be thrilled to have an on-site library instead of having to trek to the public one. A heated swimming pool is a major perk for fitness lovers. And practically everyone would appreciate having a pro chef handle some of their meal prep.
Be realistic about their needs as well. If your parents are still active and healthy, they may prefer independent living. For someone in the early stages of dementia, explain the benefits of a community with memory care. Make sure you have a plan for how the discussion will proceed, including what topics to cover and how to address any concerns.
How To Approach the Topic Gently
Don’t ambush your elderly parents with a PowerPoint about “50 reasons to move to assisted living.” Remember, this is just one conversation in a series, not the only time you’ll discuss these important topics.
Instead, start with open-ended questions. The next time you have lunch together, ask, “What would make your day-to-day life easier?” and “Do you need help with anything right now?” Be curious, not judgmental or accusing. The goal is to have an easy conversation that encourages your parent to share their thoughts and feelings.
If they acknowledge that they may need more support, broach the subject of senior living. Be careful to frame this transition as an exciting opportunity, not a loss. Highlight the on-site gym and salon (hello, self-care). If your parents feel anxious about driving, point out that a nearby community offers a free shuttle service that can take them to all their appointments. When asking questions, be sure to discuss any specific concerns your parent may have about the transition.
Little nudges like this can help your parents actually picture their life in a senior living community. Suddenly, they could be thinking about catching a sunset yoga class or walking to get a haircut rather than picturing something scary.
You should also tell them about people you know who have had positive experiences with assisted living. “Remember how Aunt Deb loved that salsa club?” you might say. Or, “My friend’s mom is so happy she moved to independent living. They do all the lawn care and laundry, so she gets to hike whenever she likes.” Sharing these stories can help your parent see how others have benefited, while keeping the focus on your parent’s needs and preferences.
Involving Your Parents in the Decision-Making Process
You may feel tempted to pick out a community yourself to make it easier for your family. That’s a nice gesture, but don’t do it. Your parents will probably feel happier about the move if they’re part of every step of the decision-making process.
Touring communities together is a great way to start. Invite your parents to join you for a few visits. You can even take them to breakfast or lunch in between stops to make the trip feel less like a chore.
As you visit each community, ask your parents for their input. “Can you see yourself using this pool, Mom?” and “What do you think about the layout of the apartments?” These conversations will help you understand what they’re looking for — and potentially let you cross other places off your list. Keep in mind that family members may have different opinions about what’s best, so be open to discussion and compromise.
Take the time to explore all the amenities and care services. This will allow your parents to see the benefits of moving to a community for themselves. Plus, it helps set realistic expectations before they commit. Encourage them to ask questions, and make sure the staff provides satisfactory answers.
All the fitness centers and dining rooms can start to blur together, so jot down notes during each tour. Go over them together later when it’s time to make the final decision. You could even help them make a pros and cons list for their top options. When making decisions, remember to involve other family members and close relatives to ensure everyone is informed and supportive of the choice.
Talk about the pros and cons of home care, too. While this option allows them to stay in their familiar home, they won’t have access to all the fabulous amenities. It may also be more expensive. Discuss their current living situation to determine what best meets their needs. By laying out all the options on the table—including care facility, assisted living facility, senior living communities, retirement community, and nursing home—your family can make the best decision for everyone.
Supporting a Positive Transition
Moving to assisted living often involves at least a little downsizing. After all, you probably don’t need to schlep everything to their new home.
Support your parents as they prep for the big move. This may involve finally reclaiming the toys you left in your childhood bedroom or setting up a garage sale with the neighbors. Professional movers can also take the stress out of packing and loading everything, leading to less stress for both you and your parents.
Once the last box is unpacked, you can stay connected with frequent visits and phone calls. It’s normal for seniors to encounter a few challenges as they settle in, so let them vent. You can also encourage them to get involved in community activities. Even a quick meditation class can lead to lasting connections.
Why Families Choose Vivante
Do your parents love California? Vivante currently has two luxury assisted living communities in Costa Mesa and Newport Center.
Residents enjoy beautiful, resort-style amenities all year. On-site restaurants have seasonal menus cooked by executive chefs. No need to pack all those cooking utensils — your parents will enjoy fine dining without the hassle. Plus, they can even host events, such as Christmas parties and family birthdays.
The Vivante Vitality Program is another major perk. Developed in collaboration with university professors, it focuses on four key areas: cognitive, physical, nutritional, and mental wellness. Participants can enjoy a variety of activities, including fitness classes, brain games, and more. It’s all about living a more fulfilling, healthy life.
There’s also no shortage of social activities. Your parents could meet friends at the in-house theater to nosh on popcorn and watch classic movies. At the art studio, they can learn how to use a pottery wheel or compete to paint the best landscape. These amenities offer plenty of opportunities to mingle with other residents.
Vivante partners with Hoag, Orange County’s premier healthcare system. Residents access some of the best medical care in California without ever leaving the campus. An on-site doctor is always available for checkups, and residents can also get physical and occupational therapy right at home.
And don’t overlook the residences themselves. Spacious one- or two-bedroom floor plans offer up to 2,500 square feet, so your parents may not even need to downsize. And with features like walk-in closets, in-home washers and dryers, and gorgeous quartz countertops, they’ll feel right at home.
Open Communication Makes All the Difference
Discussing assisted living options with your parents doesn’t have to feel stressful. Approach it with an open mind and focus on understanding their needs and thought process. Who knows? They may already be researching nearby communities on their own, or at least considering the idea of downsizing.
The most important thing is giving them a say. When you listen to their concerns and involve them in the research process, they’ll likely be more receptive to the transition. After all, you would expect the same courtesy from them.
Ready to see what’s out there? Contact Vivante to experience our beautiful campuses and convenient amenities firsthand. You can also check out our blog for more tips about choosing a senior living community that your loved ones will actually feel excited to move into.
